Boundaries & Semipermeable Membranes

With the holiday season right around the corner, I thought I’d share something I’ve been mulling over for myself in case it might prove helpful for you.

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Concrete Barriers

After living a mostly boundary-less life, I recently started exploring, testing out, and refining what boundaries mean to me. In the early stages, I saw boundaries as a protective concrete barrier I could solidly place between me and the treatment from the people in my life with whom I have more difficult relationships with.

However, preplanning all possible scenarios to try and create concrete boundaries for took so much time, energy, anxiety, and heartache. Having to construct and maintain boundaries ad infinitum was an exhausting process that completely drained me.

Semipermeable Membranes

So I went back to the root. What was I actually trying to achieve through boundaries?
Peace
Spaciousness
Respect
Time
Energy
The list went on and on. In observing my wants and needs, I realized they were felt experiences, not static objects. Their presence required interactivity between me and my environment. My wants and needs needed fluidity. No wonder impermeable concrete boundaries weren’t the best model for cultivating my wants and needs. I needed something more wiggly.

I arrived at the idea of a semipermeable membrane (thanks AP Biology!). In cells, a semipermeable membrane is a layer through which only certain molecules are permitted to pass through and allows cells to keep their contents separated from the environment and other cells*. This judicious membrane is tough yet fluid. What is not permitted by the membrane cannot force its way into or out of the cell. What is permitted by the membrane flows through easily without the use of force.

Through my relational semipermeable membrane, I allow in a flow of interactions that reflect my values of freedom, joy, connection, beauty, and generosity. I keep out interactions that do not. This strategy simplifies the process of boundary-setting for me so that I don’t have to preplan an infinite number of, “if this, then that,” scenarios for which each instance needs a different boundary.

However, it does require me to:

• Be fully present so I react to situations in realtime based on reality and not to any ghosts of the past or fantasies of a future.

• Follow-through on this tough yet fluid philosophy. I need to earn my own trust again and again.

• Accept self-compassion and grace in the moments I regress to old patterns. It takes time and practice to change.

• Accept that living in this way requires intention, energy, and disagreeability. I do and will continue to face scenarios where my approach causes reactivity.

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Takeaways

I’m writing this post with the awareness that the holidays can be a tricky time to navigate for some folks. Myself included.

Going into the holidays with this reframe is my way of preparing myself to move through the holidays with as much freedom, joy, connection, beauty, and generosity as I can.

I hope it may help some of you create the spaciousness you need for yourself this holiday season.

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Questions for you

What has been / is your relationship to boundaries?

What are your thoughts on this relational semipermeable membrane?

What are you preparing yourself for this holiday season?